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Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in
Adam Dineen's LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005 | | 6:07 am |
| | Monday, October 31st, 2005 | | 12:25 pm |
Yes
I've just decided to stop using this journal. Not only do I only update it for things I'm too afraid to let the person/persons who the update is on know, but I almost never do that anyway. I think I'm going to just be more open in my real journal now. So yes. Final entry. | | Monday, September 26th, 2005 | | 4:37 am |
Goddamn
Bleh. I just woke up after my 2-3 hours of nightly sleep, and immdeiately realized that in the middle of the night I had messaged Oliya. I woke up after another messed up dream and left a message in her journal. The gist of it was that I wanted to know whether or not she was happy, and that I was sorry everything got so fucked up. I'm not so much angry at what I said, just that I messaged her at all. I'm hopeing shes using another e-mail adress now so she won't get the message at all. Current Mood:  restless | | Sunday, May 1st, 2005 | | 7:06 pm |
Gah
Why does it bother me that she hates me? Because it really does. | | Thursday, April 28th, 2005 | | 7:03 am |
Update #2
And now I shall update this journal. I'll spare everyone the boring crap that I talked about in my other journal. Last night I talked to Carolyn on msn (I hate msn) for almost 2 hours, a record for me recently. We talked about eachother mostly, like things we didn't know about each other. I wouldn't have guessed one of the things about her, but the other was just normal jealousy. It was comforting to know that I'm not the only one who is jealous, because I really am. I mean like just seeing how close she is to her friends makes me secondguess how close we are. I'm assuming thats normal, but I'm just glad I've managed to keep that under control as of yet. I'm also realizing that I'm riding the "I have trouble commiting" horse into the ground. So life got a little fucked up last time I actually cared about someone, I'm the one who believes that if you let that guide you, you'll only be happy once in life. But it is difficult. Last night I told Carolyn I had a secret, and I'm not even sure its one I'm ready to come to terms with myself, but it definately came to mind before anything else when she asked me something she didn't know about me. So I'm going to have to think about that for a while. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys my dual-updates. Everyone post something they like and something they dislike about me and I'll post something back. | | Sunday, March 20th, 2005 | | 6:58 pm |
Today
Gah. Oliya burst into tears at work today. At least I think she did...we'd been working together for a few hours, suddenly she turned around fast, took off her headset and ran off...she said she didn't feel well but she sounded like she was crying. On top of that, she really wants me to come see her puppy on Thursday...I don't know if I can handle going to her house again. | | Saturday, March 12th, 2005 | | 11:26 pm |
Well
Now I'm worried about Gwen. | | Sunday, February 27th, 2005 | | 2:52 pm |
| | Friday, February 18th, 2005 | | 10:49 am |
How
I don't think I can handle this. I don't think anyone involved can handle this. I though life was returning to normal after the whole Oliya thing. That apparently only applies to me. Why do people care about me? Why do I matter so damn much? What makes me so special? Can I change that? Can I make myself so insignificant that nobody bothers with me? Oliya is now doing drugs to avoid depression/get accepted. She is literally going crazy to make friends now. Its like when I left, there was a big hole in her life, and now shes trying to fill it. But I can't be there for that. I can't handle that. I left because I honestly would have died if I had tried to take anymore. She was angry all the time. She hated me. She hated herself. She hated me for not being able to help her and hated me for trying. I was there for her through anything, and now she has nobody so she is trying to gather as many people together as she can to be around her, but not close to her. I...I just don't know what to do. I can't stand being the cause of that, and I can't go back. I'm worried about her, and now I'm worried about Carolyn, because as unstable as Oliya has gotten, I don't know what is going to happen. Why did I have to get Carolyn into this... She just signed in (Oliya)... I guess now is as good a time as any. *EDIT: In her journal, Carolyn said something about Crying, and how we all need to. The last thing I cried about was Oliya, it was all too recently in my memory. The one thing I can't let myself doubt is how bad it was. If for one second I forget that... | | Monday, December 27th, 2004 | | 12:41 am |
I'm so stupid, lol, but happy
Well, Carolyn and I went out tonight, it went awesome, we went for dinner/movie, typical but fun. We ended up talking for like 3 hours while waiting for movie, so I got to know her a bit. So after all that, after she got to know me a bit, she still actually wanted to date me, which was impressive, she gets brownie points. Shes fun to talk to, honestly thats about all I know, but we're going out on an actual date sometime, and realisticly, I wanna get to know her better. Well, since I sound like a schoolgirl, I'm gonna go before someone actually reads this. Current Mood:  happy | | Saturday, December 18th, 2004 | | 11:30 pm |
Well then...that is interesting
Well, interesting series of events; went online, sonia immediately asked me if I like Carolyn (I think I do, I don't really know her, she seems genuine) so that's what I said. Apparently Carolyn and her boyfriend just broke up and Sonia recommended I ask her out. Which I think I shall, she seems interesting, and is clearly brilliant. Why she has any interest in talking to me...I honestly have no idea, I'm a total clout. But anyway, thought I'd share, first time in a while feelings like that have been reciprocated. | | Friday, December 10th, 2004 | | 10:13 pm |
AAAAAAAH
So frustrated... I seem to be able to fuck things up by NOT fucking them up. Oliya came over tonight, and we sat around, inevitably leading to us lying down together and just remembering old times. Well, now I think she thinks I want things to go back how they were -I know that's what she wants, she told me so, also told me if we were older, she'd marry me ( WHAT?). I dunno...she's decent enough sometimes, but I'm not going back to how things were, nothing could make me do that. On another note, I'm freakin out. I'm definately more...open?... than a lot of people are comfortable with. Hell, I'm not overly comfortable about it either, but I say what I feel before I have a chance to think about it. Anyway, I'm becoming more and more socially reclusive. Anyone wanna hang out? Got a great lead on a movie with a talking fetus and a radiator or something... anyway ya...insane and bored Someone come be here. | | Monday, December 6th, 2004 | | 8:38 am |
What is the world coming to?
Had the start of an entry...got erased. Anyway, long story short, Hilary came over, had fun, disappointed that she doesn't appreciate creepyness like I do, I like creepy things cause they push you a little farther, be it good or bad. Like salad fingers or soemthing. I'm gonna look into that. Had a talk with Royce last night about people, he insists that because we're all human, we're all the same, I disagree. Anyone wants to talk about it, I'm in. Oh, and I really wanna have a discussion about creepyness with someone, just to help me try to understand why people don't like it, I'm thinking Hilary, cause she is the opposite point of view to mine, she gets creeped out and doesn't like it. Anyway, ya...about that school... | | Wednesday, November 24th, 2004 | | 9:13 pm |
Hah
Am I an awful person, or is she? Went over to Oliya's tonight...she'd been wanting to hang out for a while. We talked about just stupid things, it was awkward for me, after not talking to her for so long. She is a terribly unhappy person...apparently she's been crying herself to sleep for the past few weeks, she feels totally alone, and I'm not there for her. But I can't be... I took her abuse for over a year...she made me feel like shit about myself, and my life, my dreams. Everything I am isn't enough for her. Question is, is that justified? Months ago, I told her I loved her...but did I? Could I have? What I felt had all the qualities of love, but was it really? If it was, I don't know if I can live with myself. I told her I'd always be there, that she could count on me. And like my sister fears in her relationships, in the end, she couldn't. My question to whoever reads this (and I'm assuming it's only Gwen) Am I the fucker I think I am? Even assuming all that I know about her is justified, that she's really that shallow empty person, am I to blame? Everyone thinks they are to blame...but I really might be. She had her life with her stupid friends, and such, living a normal life. Then we started hanging out, and for a whole year, she was my life, she was the focus of everything I thought and did, and she didn't care about me any more than she did about her old friends. Was I justified in leaving? A person gets used to being needed, being longed for, when I left, she found herself without any close friends. Or the ability to make any...I put up with her crap because I thought it was her hiding her secrets, something about her she didn't want people to see. Other people don't put up with that, so she's all alone. When we first stopped hanging out, all I felt was relief...people seemed so normal by comparison; so happy. Now...I think I owe her something, I need to try and fix things,,,, Please, by all means, comment, anyone.... | | Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004 | | 4:26 pm |
Hah
Figured I'd update this in light of recent events. Things with Gwen actually went really well, not like relationship well, cause it was too strange, but we talked a bunch, and it was good. That's about all I've got, just figured it was strange to leave the last entry on such a high note, and then never update again. Buh bye, | | Friday, November 5th, 2004 | | 12:13 am |
I'm stupid
I figure I'll update this journal cause I can safely say nobody reads, it, everyone reads my Deadjournal. Well, I'm as stupid as ever. Tonight I decided I was going to ask Gwen out...that she was awesome, and that I had to at least try. Tonight I found out she doesn't want to date me/others (she said so in her journal) and that some other guy likes her too. Figures... I figured I'd just wait till she's ready, then ask her then, but I dunno... When I tried to go to sleep, I couldn't. I got that stomach ache when you know something is wrong, or that something bad is going to happen, but not what. This time I knew what, I'm going to lose my chance, and she'll either go out with that guy, or just totally lose interest in me, though she may have already. So I'm going to do something I never do...I always have a plan, always have ideas of what's going to happen. Well, I'm going to ask her our...It's better for her to say no to me than it is for me to just not ask. Who knows, she might even say yes. I don't know if it'd last, or if it's even a good idea, but I know for sure. -this is why it took me so long- that if i don't ask her I'll regret it. One way I know that is that I won't see her till next wednesdayish, so that's when I'd get to ask her, and the thought of waiting that long, without knowing or talking to her, is almost nauseating... If you have read this...I must kill you. |
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